Oh Boy, Olsenboye

What’s that saying? As one grows up, it’s time to put away childish things? That adage came to mind as I watched a video for Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen’s newest line for JC Penney, Olsenboye. It harkened back to their days as mini-moguls creating lines for Walmart back in the 90s. Oh Mary-Kate and Ashley, say it ain’t so!

I went through the six stages of grief in the span of 1 minute and 3 seconds as the trio of fresh-faced, smiling teen/twenty-somethings bounded around a delightfully cluttered bedroom down the streets of a sunny, carefree New York where they meet 2 more fresh-faced, smiling teen/twenty-something friends. All while wearing really unappealing, borderline Hot Topic/Wet Seal clothes as an annoyingly poppy song played in the background.

Stage 1: Shock Whoa, wait… are you serious? This is what they’re offering? Where’s the perfect blend of masculine and feminine a la their Elizabeth and James line? Or The Row’s perfect execution of basics and minimalism? What. The. Eff?

Stage 2: Anger So, wait. You’re telling me THIS line was supposed to bring the Olsen’s brand of unstudied style to the masses? They couldn’t even bother to throw in a faux fur vest or fedora? What, are you saving up all your good designs for people who can afford $395 blazers or $250 tank tops? You know what ladies? Screw. You. We made you! We could’ve forgotten about you right after Full House ended like we did Uncle Joey, but we didn’t. This is how you repay our years of fascination with you?! [Stream of expletives]

Stage 3: Bargaining Ok, ok. MK. Ashley. Seriously. Promise me this is just a joke, and we’ll forget this whole thing ever happened. Or even better. Make me your model-muse and keep me decked out in the Row and Elizabeth and James, and I promise I can move past this little indiscretion. Because really – you guys define celebrity personal style. Work with me here, ok? And for the record, THIS is the kind of ad we want to see from you guys in the future:

Stage 4: Depression I’m shutting the blinds and locking myself away until someone can explain how this was allowed to happen!

Stage 5: Acceptance You know what? This line was made for JC Penney and it clearly isn’t meant for people my age or who have the same type of relationship with fashion as MK and Ash (yes, I get to call them that). Olsenboye wasn’t meant for the true fashion enthusiast, and you know what? I can accept that.

Stage 6: Hope I wonder if there’s a diffusion line that I can actually afford in the future…


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